What about Love?

Whether it is possible for one devoid of Love to ever know Love is a question I ponder on a daily basis. Whether one which had the “Root of Love” ripped from his life, while still an infant. One who was never shown the necessity for Love, by Family could Love at all.
Augusta Austin Caro, my Mother died in September of 1955. I at the time was a year old and some months. When I say the “Seed of Love” ripped from me, this is what I’m speaking of.  A Mother is the first a child bonds with, starting the germination of this thing called Love. Over time this seed bears fruit, affection becomes Love. In my case the bond was initiated, but never ignited. Death removed the “Seed.”
I skip forward a few years to tell what I suffered at the hands of those whom were suppose to give me Love. My Grandmother, embittered by my Mothers death, as she often said”Gussie dying and leaving me to care for 9 children.” She was speaking of my brothers and sisters, yes you would have thought there was plenty of Love to go around in such a large group. Their was not. The attitude was mercenary. My siblings ranged in age 12 to 18 at the time of Mothers’ death. My Grandmother was s cruel and ignorant,  she was raised in Alabama and on a turpentine plantation in Florida in a place called Red Rock near present day Milton, Florida. She professed to be a minister of the gospel, but was in the “God Business.”
She treated my brothers and sisters like animals. I had a brother whom was gravely injured by my older brother; he drove a truck over his head and almost killed him. Which I think would have been a better outcome, considering the quality of life he suffered from then on.  My sister fared no better at her hand, my older sister discovered sex at the hand of one of my brothers and became devoted to the ancient art,  the middle sister became the secret agent,  doing what everyone else was doing,  but professing to be the good girl.  Spending her life in guilt and being the punching bag of my brother-in-law.  The third sister was embittered by what was her fate, chief diaper changer and sitter. Forced by our resident rapist to submit to his advances, she on the other hand was a strong personality and did not submit for long. To this day even though he has asked for forgiveness, she holds him to the fire.
It is as she says”you went on my hip, when Mother died.” This is one of the reasons I feel I know nothing of Love. I have this seminal vision that pops up in my dreams…I’m reaching up to someone, crying with my butt hurting and a dirty diaper hanging off my ass.  Her and I laughed, when I told her of this dream. Over the years I wondered why I was not aggressive with her as I was with my other siblings. She could say anything to me and I passively reacted to her desire. In 1996 she and I sat down she explained “you bonded with me when Mother was gone you went on my hip.” “I am your Mother.” This statement explained a lot to me about our relationship over the years.

She was a hard pragmatic individual, not much joy in her, Not much Love to give. She is a product of a Loveless Childhood and a Loveless marriage, therefore a Loveless Life.I understand why each of my siblings made haste to flee from my Grandmother and Booster. One a bitter old woman who made them responsible for their own Mothers’ fate,  the other a dedicated thief,  always after the money.
A word about Booster, Pimp, Dap Daddy, Player always on the money. This ass approached me to use my VA housing benefit to purchase a house which he would have found some way to swindle me out of. This was the nature of my Mothers’ brother. He swindled even his own family. When my grandmother died she owned several lots in the Lower 9.  Booster along with a local lawyer and the undertaker Glapion attempted and eventually completed a scheme to get control of her estate.
I observed an incident one day while at my Grandmothers house. My brother Casey, whom was gravely injured as a child was home from one of his trips to the hospital, living in the “Junk House” what we called a 12 by 14 foot building in the yard. I observed my Grandmother preparing on the stove grits and chicken necks;  something I had seen her prepare for our pack of dogs.  She put butter in the pot stirred it and told me to take it to Casey when it cooled. I did a double take. This is for Casey?  Of course I did not say this to her, but within myself. She had a roast in the oven for everyone else to eat. Casey gets chicken necks and grits everyone else gets beef. It hurt then and even today ; I hurt for my gentle brother. Casey always treated me with Love and affection. He is the only one of my siblings which showed genuine Love and Affection. He called me “little joe” in a tone of voice which conveyed his true feelings for me.  I lament to this day,  what was the purpose of this life.  A life filled with rejection, fear and angst. My sweet brother suffered throughout his life from lack of Love. He had a fearsome look about himself and hulking presence, but was gentle as a soft rain. Unless he was drinking, then he was subject to rages. I was the only one who could comfort him in his angst. Casey died in 1994, only to be given another outrage on his way out He was in the hospital suffering from kidney failure, the secret agent was his guardian so it fell to her to provide permission for his health care. The doctor stated he was in need of kidney dialysis, she denied him a chance to live and he died an agonizing death. The secret agent then perpetrated another outrage, she refused to tell where his and another brothers ashes are buried. Why this outrage I haven’t been able to figure out. I do know she had both my brothers in life insurance and she got paid. Again a product of our family’s “Lack of Love”

Time to “DO TRUMAN”

Am I the only one that has started to think this Ebola epidemic is a “put up job”. Our borders are open on top and bottom it is so easy to bring Biologics across to start a pandemic. Science is not the purview of America and the rest of the industrialized world only. For years these countries (those perceived to be our enemies) have sent the best and the brightest to America, France, Germany to be educated. Then return to their homes to become the teachers of others. Did we think, that science could not be done without trillion dollar budgets. Take Iran. Nuclear capable, building their own plane trains and drones, engineers trained in America, exported knowledge allowed them to become a modern industrialized nation, a force, in many areas. Science is not exclusive to us. We have educated the worlds population because we had the best higher education institutions, this has come back to haunt us. It is as simple, an individual is infected with a deadly disease crosses the border, Canada or Mexico both are equally porous, mingle and exist only to go to supermarkets, malls, night clubs and even schools and churches. This individual could be as destructive as a suicide bomber, even more so.
Why is our borders not secure. Anyone not crossing into America by a established border crossing need to be encouraged to turn back from whence they came or be shot. The only way to protect ourselves is to become as our enemy has become cold blooded and ruthless about our interest. Talking to these people is useless they understand force, give them superior force up to and including nuclear weapons. ISIS a prime candidate for the “The Big Sleep”. We must show the world we are willing to go all the way. Peace and prosperity will come when this thousand year old war is ended. I say stand and deliver. Shock and awe is applicable if used to impress upon our enemies that we will go all the way.
Time to do “TRUMAN”

Plan B

November 22, 2013
To: Marilyn Williams, Veterans Advocate
From: Joseph H. Caro, Veteran
Subject: Vash Voucher
 
Ms. Williams,
Last Year in February 2012,  I submitted the necessary Paperwork to qualify for the Voucher Program. The person I submitted the paperwork to was Mr Val Hebert, in New Orleans.
 In September of 2013 of this year I checked with Mr. Hebert and was assured that I was still on the list, awaiting a voucher.  I’am as you know in transitional housing, still homeless. I have observed two individuals one with 7 months the other with 6 weeks receive vouchers.  I’am told they meet the requirement for “chronic homelessness.” My wait for 21 Months doesn’t qualify me anything except to be parked on a list.  It is unfair that these individuals are any more or less Homeless than I. Homeless is Homeless.
 
My request of you is as Follows:
 
What number of vouchers have been Issued by HUD in the 20 or so months I have been on this list?
 
What is my position on this List?
 
How many vouchers have been actively used by veterans to which they have been issued, and how many have been turned down?
 
How many are currently available for distribution to veterans on this list.
 
I realize this may entail you to work outside your area of interest,  but I entreat you to answer my questions as many veterans have wanted to ask but didn’t know who to ask.
We all realize you work hard to keep up with hundreds of us veterans and commend the job you are doing.
 
I await your reply to my query.
 
 
Joseph h. Caro
  

Who? This is ME!

People who know me would hopefully call me Certain,Assertive, Adaptable,A Leader and down to earth, but on my less than good days I can be Arrogant, Confrontational, Cranky, demanding, Formidable, Grouchy and Grumpy. My mind is best at knowledge, Emotional Intelligence, Mechanical Intelligence, Visual Intelligence and Social Skills and at least good at Imagination, Manual Co-ordination, Mathematical Intelligence, Memory and Musical Intelligence. I tend to keep my feelings to myself. THE WAY I WORK: I prefer to work alone. I am quite likely to think I can do things better than other people. SOCIAL: Thinking about truly great friends, I probably have 2 or 3 of them. I enjoy seeing acquaintances and socializing is a part of life, but not a main focus. If you saw me at a party, I would probably be the one “working the room” , making conversation with large numbers of people. I tend to enjoy being by myself. It takes a long time to get to know the “real me”
THE WAY I LOOK AT THE WORLD: All things considered, I would say the world is neither getting better nor worse. I almost always feel like I am living life to its’ fullest. If I found out my best friends’ spouse or partner is cheating on them, I would probably not tell them. I’m inclined to give money to beggars. I’m a Dog Person If we met I would be early. If I could choose between having a mountain, a theory or a grand child named after me I would choose a Grandchild.
GENERAL INTEREST: Business, Food and Drink, Money and Investing, National News, Politics, Science and Technology and Gadgets, Music, Movies and Newspapers, Magazines. Concerts and Live Music, Stand up Comedy, Theater, and Arts. ACADEMIC INTEREST: Computer Science, Education, History and Journalism and Mass Communication. My other interest: Electronic Engineering
MY RELIGION SUMMERY: I consider myself somewhat religious. I definitely don’t belong to a specific religion I am agnostic. Outside of attending religious services I pray several times a day. I believe in the afterlife, a Creator, an eternal Soul, the Devil Heaven, Hell and Spiritual energy I definitely don’t believe in alien life, Darwinian evolution,ghost, fate, or destiny,Karma magic, reincarnation or past lives and telepathy or psychic powers.
MY POLITICAL SUMMERY: Generally speaking I think of my self as an Independent. I would describe my political views as foreign policy Dove, Non-Partisan, Progressive, Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative, Cynical, Patriotic, Moderate, Capitalist, Centrist, Individualist and Libertarian. I would say I strongly approve of the way President Obama is handling his Job as President. I would say I am not very politically active.
MY WORK LIFE SUMMARY: I am currently retired. I work in engineering, customer support and client care, Business, Consulting and Telecommunications. Specifically Entrepreneurship, Specifically IT Consulting, Customer Training, Computer Engineering, Internet-Based Telecom Services and Mobile and Wireless Telecom Services. I work for an organization with under 10 employees Where I’m a IT/ Computing Professional directly responsible for 6-10 people. I own my own IT Consulting Firm.
My Hobbies and Activities Summary: Buying and Selling online, Cooking, Listening to music, Surfing the Internet and Writing, Swimming. OUTINGS: Eating at restaurants, going to Concerts or to see Live music and going to festivals
MY ISSUES AND CONCERNS SUMMARY : The issues I care about most is Civil Liberties, Cost of Living, Education, Gun Control, Higher Education, Income inequality, Political Corruption, Racism, and the National Debt, Policy Makers in education should focus on improving the Public schools System we currently have. In general, I am in favor of fewer restrictions on the rights of individual to own and buy guns. Not everyone is cut out for a college education. We should be doing more to provide young people with vocational and career training. Colleges and Universities should focus on enriching minds of their students and not simply on career training. Racism against minorities is still a serious problem in our country. I believe that government policies have impeded the recovery from this recession, The government government should do more to safeguard our Civil Liberties, China will be a major threat to the United States in the 21st century and partisan politics and a lack of compromise are hurting America. I also believe that the disintergration of the traditional family values is a major problem for America and the Government should do more to regulate Wall street and that Political Corruption is worse today than at any other time in our history, the government has not done enough to provide the need of returning veterans, the government should increase the amount of Loans and Grants available to college students, the government should interfere less in the private lives of Americans the government has no business policing morality and corporations and interest groups have too much in fluence on the political process.

I wouldn’t know ?

Often I have wanted to sit down and assess just where my life is now. I have a fragmented family, no Love in my life either from my wife or my kids. I have not cultivated any true friendships yet, as far as I can see, and have not really required either of these things, Love or friendship to get along with myself. “I was never Loved and had never Loved anyone in this life.” My spirit told me this on the edge of sleep one night some 6 months ago. Frankly, I wouldn’t know what Love is if it walked up to me and slapped me in the face. I don’t think I’m wired for this emotional upheaval. My father didn’t show me any love or that love was a necessary part of human existence, my immediate family showed no genuine love for me. So, I’m a human being devoid of the basic wiring required to Love and be Loved.
Where does that leave me…in despair because I do want to Love someone and be Loved by someone. I want genuine Love not the words of the mouth but the murmer of the Heart. That small squeak of the Heart which echoes throughout the universe. Love whispered in a Hurricane, Screamed over the roar of a brass band, yet heard in the Heart, echoed throughout the entire being.
Can I find this Love before I leave this existence? Should I even attempt to find what eludes 99% of humanity. Yes 99% of us get it wrong. I heard of a couple whom were married 65 years that died on the same day. That is what I’m talking about, Love eternal. The bond of Love so strong they could not live without each other. So they went to a higher plane together to continue their Love in eternity. I believe Love is truth. Love is eternal.
Kind of makes you wonder what each of you think about the subject since I have chosen to share my point of view with just you three…since you profess Love for me.
My daughter, My wife and my oldest friend.

jcaro

my children:Their Mothers Children

Tonight my thoughts turned to my children. I have lived my life mostly alone because they are the children of their mothers. I knew that I would not be there for their mothers throughout their lives. I wanted them to be my representative in their mothers lives .I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay with them. I’m too selfish and fickle to stay with one woman for long. I have come to accept this of myself. Some of us are destined to live alone and I’m one of those. I don’t trust enough. I have lived more lies than I can ever expect to undo. I have not been given one little bit of true Love in this life. I have always said I would like to know my children as adults, because I had nothing to contribute too their formative years. I have been too busy pursuing my own ventures in life,”Seek Knowledge that yee, may know Wisdom”. Have I acquired any wisdom? “One never knows, do one.” My children are quite brilliant, both girls are accomplished in their chosen fields. One the oldest has 3 degrees, the youngest is studying for her masters. My Son whom I have not seen since he was a child has told me that he was going to join the navy to become a seal. He has chosen a difficult path but one if fulfilled; I will be most proud of Him.
All my children are a reflection of myself and their mothers. I can say I chose them well. They possessed, beauty and brains. I have contributed 3 fine human being to Gods creation, It is my hope that they will live long and productive lives, that they will respect God and contribute to Humanity in a positive manner

A Question of Love

How does a person completely devoid of Love, such as myself, answer the inquiry of his 20 year old daughters’  question. “What is required to be in Love? By being in Love, I mean romantic Love. Frankly, I don’t know what it is. As far as I know Love was never defined for me as an individual. My glands dicktated what I Loved or didn’t Love. So , for me to be asked “What is required to be in Love?” One of my nieces defined: She has a physical reaction as well as an emotional reaction. I understand their is a physical release of chemical in the brain which triggers an emotional response and therefore begins the roller coaster called Love.

I have been satisfied with the physical satisfaction of my banile being up to now, but I would like to fling myself into that roller coaster called Love. I want true Love,  with the blindness of emotional fullness I have heard about from other whom exhibit the trait. Enough of the lip service served to me in the past-forgive my pun- a full and rich dose of truth is what is need to show me Love is not a myth fostered on us humans like a cruel joke, never to be achieved, only heard about or grasped without attaining. Will I have too wait for the almighty to obtain truth.

I’m saddened by the prospect of never attaining Love in this life. Did my spirit show me what the truth was for me. “You were never Loved and have not Loved anyone in your life.” Is this too be my fate, will I die never having anyone to Love me in Truth and never having Loved in truth?

I can’t answer my daughters’  question because I don’t know anything about the subject !