Tonight my thoughts turned to my children. I have lived my life mostly alone because they are the children of their mothers. I knew that I would not be there for their mothers throughout their lives. I wanted them to be my representative in their mothers lives .I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay with them. I’m too selfish and fickle to stay with one woman for long. I have come to accept this of myself. Some of us are destined to live alone and I’m one of those. I don’t trust enough. I have lived more lies than I can ever expect to undo. I have not been given one little bit of true Love in this life. I have always said I would like to know my children as adults, because I had nothing to contribute too their formative years. I have been too busy pursuing my own ventures in life,”Seek Knowledge that yee, may know Wisdom”. Have I acquired any wisdom? “One never knows, do one.” My children are quite brilliant, both girls are accomplished in their chosen fields. One the oldest has 3 degrees, the youngest is studying for her masters. My Son whom I have not seen since he was a child has told me that he was going to join the navy to become a seal. He has chosen a difficult path but one if fulfilled; I will be most proud of Him.
All my children are a reflection of myself and their mothers. I can say I chose them well. They possessed, beauty and brains. I have contributed 3 fine human being to Gods creation, It is my hope that they will live long and productive lives, that they will respect God and contribute to Humanity in a positive manner
How does a person completely devoid of Love, such as myself, answer the inquiry of his 20 year old daughters’ question. “What is required to be in Love? By being in Love, I mean romantic Love. Frankly, I don’t know what it is. As far as I know Love was never defined for me as an individual. My glands dicktated what I Loved or didn’t Love. So , for me to be asked “What is required to be in Love?” One of my nieces defined: She has a physical reaction as well as an emotional reaction. I understand their is a physical release of chemical in the brain which triggers an emotional response and therefore begins the roller coaster called Love.
I have been satisfied with the physical satisfaction of my banile being up to now, but I would like to fling myself into that roller coaster called Love. I want true Love, with the blindness of emotional fullness I have heard about from other whom exhibit the trait. Enough of the lip service served to me in the past-forgive my pun- a full and rich dose of truth is what is need to show me Love is not a myth fostered on us humans like a cruel joke, never to be achieved, only heard about or grasped without attaining. Will I have too wait for the almighty to obtain truth.
I’m saddened by the prospect of never attaining Love in this life. Did my spirit show me what the truth was for me. “You were never Loved and have not Loved anyone in your life.” Is this too be my fate, will I die never having anyone to Love me in Truth and never having Loved in truth?
I can’t answer my daughters’ question because I don’t know anything about the subject !
Did you know:
That you were devoid of LOVE
That you were never LOVED
That those whom were suppose to give you LOVE had none to give
That you have never LOVED anyone in your life
That at this time in your life it LOVE is what you need more than anything
That you need to LOVE someone before you leave this life
That the LOVE of your children is called Storge’
That you are LOVED by God
He gave you LIFE
HE gave you intellect
He gave you discernment
He gave you Hope
He gave you foresite
He knew what He was doing
He does not make mistakes
He tells the Truth and only the truth
That GOD is LOVE
That the only LOVE GOD is capable of giving is agape
That God is almighty and will test you throughout your life
That you cannot fail his test
That he knows the end in the beginning
That ain’t nobody left here live yet
I’m not living backwards. Sugar, I have been Lied too, Lied on and abandoned when I needed her most, ignored, marginalized. I didn’t break our vows. for once, she did. This person has destroyed my faith in a whole species of individuals. I have resolved myself to not dwell on her. I’m done, stick a fork in her.
Whatever happens to me from now on, I will not form any attachment to others, their will not be any relationships except casual ones. I will never marry again in this life. You can be assured that I mean this. Enough is enough. LOVE is a lie in this life, it has been run through the mill, reconstituted into something it was never intended to be. Last night I had a conversation with my friend in ATL, she became upset because I told her of my policy. I want no lying BS about you LOVE ME. You don’t know what LOVE is. I know what it is not. Anything expressed to me in this life on this subject is a lie.
She became very upset when I told her how I was going to proceed.
Sorry to go off. But I am very tired of the phony women I have delt with. I have not ever been LOVED and have never LOVED in this life. This is what my spirit told me several weeks ago. Just what this means other than the obvious, I have not figured out yet.
You can tell Mother their will be no gettin back together. It is my intention to file divorce in May. I’m through.
I LOVE YOU
PS…If ever I find a woman With a Sincere Heart, and a Divine Spirit such as yours, I may accept that I’m being LOVED in Truth.
I’m Remembering a friend who had a profound impression on me.
I walked down the block to stretch my legs and noticed to my left that a guy was painting a garage in a newly built house. The smell of latex paint assailed my nostrils as I approached the open door. “Working hard or hardly working?” I said. He turned from the wall he was painting and smiled, and said “this ain’t work for me.” As soon as he turned I knew that I knew him “Hay, man don’t I know you?” “You look familiar to me too.” What’s your name?” “Joe Caro” “I’m Bruce Bailey” “Bruce, don’t you remember me. I use to come to your Mothers house in tiger with Gayo.” I had not seen Bruce since 1967. I had come to his MaMa’s, the last time I saw him for a hog killing. She made souce and hoghead cheese, best I have ever had then or since it was Sweet, succulent, peppery gelatinous, with just the right hint of garlic and parsley. Bruce and I talked about our mutual friends all afternoon, needless to say he didn’t finish the garage that day. I invited him to my home down the block for lunch. We continued to talk about his uncle “Jabo” whom I knew as Walter. From this chance encounter our conversation flowed like we had not been out of touch with each other these 40 plus years. A friendship forged in childhood reborn in middle age, like renewal of our collective spirit. From this encounter we went on to collaborate on a couple of construction projects which made use a large sum of money when we both needed it most. I’m sad to say that I lost my friend to cancer during one of our projects in Garyville, La. He indicated that he could not work anymore, would I take him home. His Wife called to tell me she had taken him to the Doctors and they had found tumors in his chest walls. I was devastated. Here I had found my friend only to lose him so soon after our reunion. He was all the things one would want in a friend, trustworthy, loyal , helpful, friendly , courteous, kind, and had a deep reverence for God and his creations. I still today get emotional when I speak or think of the friend I lost.
How I dislike valentine day!
I have developed a large dislike for valentine day. First off, I married a Georgia She Devil on Valentine Day. Why would I want to celebrate the commercial holiday, which is in place to enrich merchants. A friend I worked for, whom happened to be a florist, told me “Valentine Day is a merchant holiday”.
I made plenty money working during this holiday, but celebrate it I never will. I don’t believe in romantic Love. Love with a motive is all I have been subjected to in this life. I have two daughters which I treat with dignity and deference throughout the year. I have tried not to taint them with my attitude toward romantic Love . One is 19 the other is 33, both are hard pressed to find that Love we as humans so desperately need.